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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27958682">To Be Your Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceboyluv/pseuds/ceboyluv'>ceboyluv</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anorexia, Bulimia, Depressed Kozume Kenma, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Kozume Kenma, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:54:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,652</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27958682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceboyluv/pseuds/ceboyluv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I didn't mean to fall in love</p><p>I didn't mean for him to leave</p><p> </p><p>___________________________________________________________</p><p>**This is a vent fanfic. Before anyone comes at me for "inaccurate representation of mental illness", these are based on my personal feelings, thoughts, and experiences. They may not apply to everyone, but please don't harass me or comment hate**</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNING FOR<br/>-depression<br/>-eating disorders<br/>-self harm</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He didn’t mean to. It’s not like he meant to walk in on Kuroo sticking his tongue down some girl's throat. He just wanted to go in and ask Kuroo if he knew where he put his PSP. He didn’t hear the girl moaning under her breath, why would he? His throat was dry, and he was trying to not make any noise as he went to close the door. Didn’t Kuroo once tell him he wasn’t interested in relationships? Guess not... Obviously, this means Kuroo was going to put distance between the two. He felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he turned around and left, not wanting to make a scene out of what he just watched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma recognized her, she was in his science class. She always talked about Kuroo, bragging about how they hooked up at his birthday party. He didn’t originally believe it. Kuroo was his best friend, they told each other everything. Well, almost everything, apparently. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damnit</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thinks, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I should have just waited so I could ask for my PSP back, oh well, too late I guess. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He starts reminiscing on how they met, how Kuroo would sneak in his house at 3 am only to catch him playing games. Of course, he’d lie and tell Kuroo he woke up. He remembered the times where Kuroo took away his games and pushed him to eat. He knew that Kenma had a hard time eating. It’s not like he ever knew why though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stops on the bridge and looks down at the water, staring at his own reflection. He looked at how dark his eye-circles were, how his hair hung right on his shoulders and how his collarbones stick out right above the neckline of the hoodie he stole from his best friend. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No wonder he thinks there’s something wrong with me, I look like a starved raccoon. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He sighs and continues walking, hands in pockets, and head down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once he gets to his house he goes straight to his room, it’s not like his parents are home anyway. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I really don’t want to go back to school tomorrow, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thinks as he throws himself onto his bed. Sighing, he turns onto his side and stares at his wall. It was covered in photos of Kuroo and him. He sighs and turns the other way around, not wanting to think about him anymore. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God, </span>
  </em>
  <span>if only he could get that disgusting image out of his head, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her long hair hanging across his shoulders, as if it was her way of saying “Back off, he’s mine”, how her hands roamed down his chest. She had a nice tan, completely different than his pale porcelain skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The more he compared her to himself, the more he realized that he was worthless. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You didn’t realize that sooner? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thought to himself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’ve just been dragging him along with whatever you want. You’re selfish. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He shakes his head trying to snap out of his thoughts. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s going to leave you tomorrow. He’s going to tell you he no longer wants to be friends with you, why would he? He’s going to show his new girl off to you then mock you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>His chest tightens at the thought that Kuroo is going to let him go. He turns back and faces his clock, it’s already 7 pm. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That was fast, I should probably get something to eat. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He starts to stand up, but a wave of anxiety hits him and he sits back down. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll just go to sleep, I’m not that hungry anyway, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he says to himself as he lies back down, not bothering with the covers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few hours later Kenma is woken up by a knocking noise on his door. As he’s slowly getting up he looks at his clock, </span>
  <em>
    <span>three AM? Who the hell is here this early?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He unlocks and opens the door to reveal an annoyed Kuroo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You left early, without me. What happened?” Kuroo asks, flouncing in and flopping onto Kenma’s bed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe because I saw you smooching that girl. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I just didn’t feel good,” He responded lightly. He didn’t want Kuroo knowing he had walked in on him and that girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you should have told me and I would have gotten you some soup,” Kuroo was calming down, “Have you eaten yet?” Kenma nodded, but a second later his stomach growled, telling Kuroo that he hadn't eaten. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stupid stomach. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He chucked in embarrassment. “Stomachs don’t lie Kenma, so I’ll ask again. Have you eaten yet?” This time Kenma shakes his head and looks down to the floor. “Alright, I’ll go make some food, sit tight,” He nods as Kuroo makes his way to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here at three a.m.?” Kenma asks him, slowly walking to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t answering my calls, I got worried,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>God, don’t say that to me. I might misunderstand. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Anyway, how does cold soba sound?” Kenma just nodded absentmindedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” Kenma starts, “Is my PSP still in your bag?” Kuroo silently nods. “Then can I have it back?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, not until after you eat,” He responds, and starts to put their food on plates. Kenma looks at his plate and he starts counting the calories in his head and decides how much to eat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” He sits down at his table and starts poking at his food. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is disgusting, I don’t want to eat this. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hands shaking, he picks up some of the noodles and slowly brings it to his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good right,” Kuroo gives him his famous grin as he himself shoves food into his face. Kenma just nods and tries to chew as quickly as possible. “Slow down Kenma, you’ll get sick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma swallows the last bit in his mouth, “Ok. I’ll be right back.” Kenma says as he slowly gets up, </span>
  <em>
    <span>the bathroom is right there. I’ll be quick. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He starts making his way down the hall but Kuroo grabs him and drags him back in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah bup bup bup bup, where are you going. You haven’t finished eating,” Kuroo says, refusing to let Kenma go. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have to take a leak, let me go Kuroo.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I really wish he’d stop pretending to care. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma…” Kuroo looks at him with worry, “You’re getting thinner by the day… I’m just worried.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>That face. Why is he making that face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop pretending to be worried about me!” Kenma slowly starts raising his voice. How dare Kuroo act like he cares about him, he didn’t want to be cared for then left. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I need to cut this off before he can. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Kuroo. I’m fine, and I think it’s time for you to leave. Thanks for the food but I’m tired.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, please,” He pleads, “Don’t push me away. You can tell me anything,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t do this… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just like you can tell me anything, right?” Kenma retorts in a mocking tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What does that mean?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is he seriously playing stupid? STOP, stop looking at me like that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When were you gonna tell me about your new girl?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“New girl?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>...Is… he for real?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The girl you shoved your tongue down in the gym! Seriously Kuroo, you’re going to lie to me? You’re such a hypocrite!” Kenma stomps to his room and locks his door behind him. Footsteps patter behind him and stop right in front of his door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma… I’m not dating her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why were you all over her?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She asked me if she could practice kissing, I know she likes me but I’m not into her. I’m into someone else.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>That doesn’t make it any better, I don’t want to hear about your crush. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kuroo can hear Kenma sniffling behind the door and he softly knocks on the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma hesitates, “W-what’s she like…” Kuroo chuckles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She’s really pretty,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, so not me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Her hair is medium length, and her eyes are really pretty. Really perceptive too, always knows when somethings up.” Kuroo chuckles, “Unlike me, I guess.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I listening to this? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Tears start rolling down Kenma’s cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C-can you please leave, I just really want to go to sleep…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <span>“Let me in right now,” Kenma makes a noise showing his disapproval. “If you don’t then I’m going to break your door down, and let myself in.” Kenma hesitates but overall obliges and slowly opens the door, staring up at Kuroo. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s so tall… </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kuroo looks down at Kenmas face and notices his red puffy eyes and the tear streaks. “What’s wrong,” He asks but is just returned with a head shake. He sighs and settles for bringing Kenma in for a hug. “Well, whatever's wrong. I’m here.” </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma finally gets Kuroo to leave and he goes back to his room. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s already five am? He was here for two hours. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma climbs back to bed and lets sleep over-take him again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’ll never be good enough” “You’re just a lazy good for nothing” “What are you trying to achieve” “Try harder” “Do better” Loud words surround Kenma. Swirling around in the darkness. Repeating every negative thing he’s heard or thought of. None of it’s a surprise anymore, he’s used to hearing these things. He just needs to find Kuroo, that’s right. Where is he? “Kuroo,” he yells into the darkness. No response. He repeats himself… Still no response. He repeats himself once more. “God, will you shut up?” A voice speaks back… He knows that voice, but why is it so spiteful and full of anger. “Will you ever leave me alone? You’re an ungrateful brat, did you seriously think I wanted to be friends with you? No! I was being nice!” Of course, he was, why would anyone like Kenma. After all, it’s not like he did anything important. He was selfish and didn’t care if his actions had consequences. All he can do is silently sit in the darkness by himself, and wallow in self-pity as he’s realized what he’s done. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.  </b>
  <span>Kenma jolts awake, sitting upright and trying to calm down his erratic breathing. He looks around and sees the bright red numbers on his clock blinking 8:20 A.M. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m already late for school, what’s the point in going. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He thinks to himself as he lies back down. He turns his back to the wall and just stares at his TV that his parents got him for his last birthday. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They only got it so that you would stop bothering them. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He knew that his parents didn’t want him, they gave him anything he wanted so they didn’t have to hear his whining. They didn’t care. If they did they would notice how he stopped eating, how he stopped smiling when someone mentioned video games, how his collarbones stuck out under the hoodie he always hid under, how he would constantly tell someone to shut up even if they weren’t talking. Real parents would notice that, wouldn’t they?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes of lying there, thinking about everything, Kenma decides to sit up and grab his phone off his nightstand (something else his parents gifted him). </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Rooster: Hey where are you????        </b>
  <em>
    <span>7:26 am </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Rooster- Why aren’t you answering?    </b>
  <em>
    <span>7:40am</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Rooster- Kenma ;-;                                     </b>
  <em>
    <span>7:43am</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Rooster- Kennnnmmaaaaaaaaaaa         </b>
  <em>
    <span>8:10am</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Rooster- If you don’t answer by 8:30 I’m going up to your house     </b>
  <em>
    <span>8:23am</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Kenma- IM AWAKE JEEZ, I don’t feel good so im not goin 2 school 2day   </b>
  <em>
    <span>8:34am</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Rooster- Oh ok, I’ll swing by your place after school and check up on you -</b>
  <em>at 8:40 am</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Read ✓</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma rolls back over and lets the dark consume him once more. He is just so tired of going on, going to school, pretending he’s fine and feeling worthless. It’s all tiring. It’s so easy to just sleep it off. He doesn’t want to deal with anyone. Friends tire him out and he can’t deal with the torture of school. He just wanted to sleep all day, maybe sit under the heat of a shower. Shower, he really needs a shower. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma slowly starts waking up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I haven’t showered in a week… </span>
  </em>
  <span>He slowly brings himself to get out of bed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Only two pm? Kuroo still isn’t out of school yet so I have time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma starts the shower and he starts undressing. He gets in the shower but suddenly gets lethargic and sits down, letting the hot water run down his backside. He doesn’t know when he started feeling so tired as he let his eyes flutter shut as the warm water blanketed him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wakes up to his bathroom door being jiggled and realizes the water is now freezing cold. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma? Kenma can you hear me?” He hears a voice yelling outside his door. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is that Kuroo? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma can’t tell. All he knows is that he’s just so tired. As he starts slowly falling back asleep a bang jolts him back, “KENMA!” He hears the bathroom door burst open, which finally gets him up. He goes to get up when the curtains are yanked back, revealing a half-naked Kenma. “Why weren’t you answering! You weren’t answering your calls, I tried knocking, I’ve been calling you for an hour!” He yells at Kenma. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry… I fell asleep,” Kenma say</span>
  <span>s under his breath, turning off the shower.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t keep doing this with you, Kenma,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh… I knew this was going to happen eventually. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma feels his chest tightens as Kuroo mutters, “You’re putting me through too much…” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Then leave…” He didn’t mean to say it, he meant to think it. He pauses in shock after he’s said it. Before he knew it he started rambling, “If you can’t handle it- no I mean me. If you can’t handle me then leave. I don’t need anyone, and that includes you. If I’m just burdening you then leave me alone. I don’t need your stupid pity and worry, I don’t need the three am knocks or the random visits. You’re not my mom, so just leave!” He finishes, breathing heavy. He can’t believe he just said all that. He didn’t mean to, he meant to say the opposite. He meant to tell Kuroo how much he needed him, how much he wanted Kuroo to just hug him again and tell him how his hair reminded him of pudding. He wanted to tell Kuroo how much he missed Kuroo’s random visits with food that he could never finish. He missed the movie nights where they just sat in comfortable silence, and how he would pretend to be asleep so Kuroo would carry him back to bed. Why the hell did he say something so mean. He didn’t want Kuroo to push him away first. He didn’t want Kuroo to tell him that he was a burden and that he could no longer be friends with someone who acted depressed all the time. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, but Kenma. I’m just worried about you. I know you’re just angry at me right now, I’ll come back when you’ve calmed down,” Kuroo replied calmly and started walking out. He feels a tug on the arm of his jacket and he turns around and sees Kenma looking at him with tears in his eyes. He softly grabs Kenma’s hands and forces him to let go. “I’m sorry Kenma, I think it’s best to let you calm down before I try talking to you again,” In Kenma’s head, though, Kuroo just told him he never wants to talk to him again. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please-” Kenma starts.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, this will be better for both of us. I’ll see you later,” Kuroo says walking out of the bathroom and leaving the house. Kenma finally breaks down. His chest tightens as he sits in a corner, shaking. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m such a fuckup. Why did I do that, I can’t go back to school after that. He hates me. Of course, he hates me, he said so himself. I’m too much for him to handle. I’ll just block him on everything, I have to push myself away from him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>With shaky hands, Kenma grabs his phone off the counter and opens up WatChat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry Kuroo, I don’t want to hurt anymore. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He slowly brings himself to click the block button under Kuroos name, he repeats the same thing for all his other social media and his phone number. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After deleting Kuroo off his phone he slumped back against the wall. His wet hair sat on his shoulders. He was so sick of his stupid hair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s always in my way. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He tries to move it behind his ear but it falls back on his shoulders. He tried a few more times but kept getting the same result. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God damnit!” Kenma screams out in frustration, “Why can’t I do anything right!” A wave of anger hits Kenma as he stands up and kicks the wall. “Ow, ow, ow, ow,” he yells, “Agh!” Kenma turns around and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are red and puffy and his lips are chapped. No wonder Kuroo said he was worried, he looked like he just got out of a torture chamber. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma opens his sink drawer and pulls out a pair of scissors. He looks back at his mirror and stares at his hair. The scissors are slowly brought to his hair, in the middle of his ear. He starts cutting his hair at random. His blonde and brown hair stuck out in horrible places and it was completely uneven. He looks back at the mirror and looks at his now ruined hair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why did I do that, now my hair is also ruined. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had a chunk of hair in one hand and his scissors in the other. He stares in the mirror, watching as his eyes form more tears. Kenma drops the scissors onto the floor and starts crying again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m such a mess. I fucked up big time now, huh? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma slowly finds his way back to the rooms, occasionally having to feel the wall to make sure he was going the right way. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If I just go to sleep everything will fix itself. I just need to sleep forever. Where’s my sleeping pills? I think they’re in my nightstand. That’s what I need right now. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The nightstand drawer opens and he rummages around it trying to find his sleeping pills. After a few seconds of throwing stuff around, he found the pills and swallowed a bunch of them without counting. </span>
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  <span>After taking the pills, Kenma lays down on his bed, breathing heavily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I like this? When did I start being like this? I hate myself so much. </span>
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  <span>Kenma can feel his heartbeat rising slowly and his head starts feeling fuzzy. He tries to look to the side but everything feels slow. He looks at the clock. </span>
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    <span>It’s been four hours? That was fast… It’s already nine pm… </span>
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    <span>_______________________________________________________________________________________________</span>
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  <em>
    <span>Sorry for the short chapter. The next chapter is going to be really big to make up for it... Thank for the support! I'm working on another angst fanfic so sorry if I have slow updates</span>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kenma slowly wakes up, awakened by the light coming from outside. He turns his head slowly to look at the clock. 5:36pm. Wow, I was out for a while. He slowly sits up and grabs his phone. </p><p>		15 missed calls from Bokuto<br/>		35 missed calls from ******4627</p><p> </p><p>		Unread messages</p><p>		Bokuto: Kenma where are you?		10:50am<br/>		Bokuto: We had practice together today	11:01 am<br/>		Bokuto: You’re never this late			11:35am<br/>		Bokuto: If you don’t answer I’m going to spam call you	12:15pm<br/>		******4627: It’s Kuroo… Why did you block me?		12:30pm<br/>		******4627: Bokuto and I are worried				12:31pm<br/>		******4627: Is this because of what I said yesterday?	12:35pm<br/>		Bokuto: Man, pick upppppp			1:25pm<br/>		Bokuto: Did something happen with you and Kuroo???   1:30pm<br/>		Bokuto: I’m going to come over after practice		2:00pm<br/>		******4627: ...I know you don’t wanna hear from me, but I gave Bokuto a key, maybe you’ll actually talk to him	3:46pm</p><p>	You’ve got to be kidding me.. Kenma gets up only to be met with bile immediately rising to his throat. He quickly runs out of the room and reaches the bathroom sink. At least it’s not the floor, I guess. As he’s emptying out his stomach into his sink he hears someone walking towards the bathroom. He closes his eyes tight in hopes that whoever it is doesn’t stay by his bathroom and listen to this mess. Instead, he’s met by a warm hand rubbing his back. </p><p>	After he’s done he still stands there for a minute trying to collect himself. </p><p>	“Why are you here, Bokuto,” Kenma asks bitterly. </p><p>	“I was worried bro, and rightfully so apparently,” he responded. </p><p>	He tsks in response, not wanting to hurt his throat even more. Kenma finally stands upright and turns around to face Bokuto, his hair going every which way and still shirtless from the night before. </p><p>	“Woah bro, you look like you’ve been hit by a truck. What happened to your hair?” He really wanted to ask if Kenma was eating, but decided it was not a good time to ask. He brought food anyway so he could keep an eye on him. </p><p>	“I tried to cut it and got frustrated,” Kenma responds bluntly, pulling Bokuto out of his thoughts. He knew there was probably more than that, Kuroo had explained some of their fight when Kenma didn’t show up. He knew that there was something wrong with Kenma after the training camp, but he didn’t push it. </p><p>	“Let me fix it!” He feigns excitement, but Kenma just shakes his head and tells him he’ll fix it later when he gets a chance. “Well let's go to the kitchen, I brought food and you probably need water,” He starts walking to the kitchen but is stopped when Kenma grabs his sleeve.</p><p>	“You looked inside my room, didn’t you?” He whispers, “I don’t need your help.” Bokuto stares at him, racking his brain to figure out what he should say right now. Kenma wasn’t wrong… He saw the empty pill bottles on the floor, and the strewn out clothes that Kenma had thrown out of his dresser. To be honest, he was worried that Kenma would break at any moment. His hair was a mess, his room is dirty, his fridge is untouched and his face is starting to sink in. He knows that Kuroo is usually there and honestly he doesn't know how to handle someone who looks so done with life. He didn't want to push him into something, but he knew Kenma will be sent to a hospital if he keeps this up. </p><p>       “Look...Kenma I’m just really worried about you. We can all tell you’re not okay, stop pushing us away,” Bokuto looks at Kenma before he turns back around, “Now, I’m not leaving until we get some food, and you put some liquid inside of you. If you don’t walk with me willingly I’ll just throw you over my shoulder.” It sounded sarcastic when he said it, but they both knew he was being serious. Kenma grunts and they both start walking towards the kitchen. <br/>	Kenma sits down at the table as Bokuto heats him up instant noodles, “Bokuto, I’m not going to go to school for a while… So will you tell Kuroo and have him tell the rest of the team…” Bokuto just nods, not pushing him or asking why, for which Kenma was grateful. “Also… Sorry for causing any trouble.” </p><p>	“It’s not an issue Kenma, you’re a friend. You’re just having a bad time lately,” Bokuto comes back to the table and sets him down some water and noodles, and sits down with his own food. “Can I ask what’s wrong with you bro?” </p><p>	“I- I don’t know what’s wrong,” Kenma says as he pushes his noodles around, “I just… I guess I’m just scared Kuroo is going to ditch me eventually,” Bokuto nods. </p><p>	“Ok, well thanks for telling me. But that’s not exactly what I’m talking about Kenma… You’ve had something wrong since at least the training camp,” He pauses, wondering if he should continue. “You-You're getting thinner, and you don’t look like you’re sleeping, you have pill bottles strewn across your floor!” His voice slightly raised at the end. </p><p>	“Bokuto, I-” </p><p>	“No, Kenma. I don’t want to hear an ‘I’m fine,’ or ‘it’s nothing.’” He didn’t want to get mad, but he couldn’t help it. “We all know you’re not okay!”</p><p>	“Fine… It’s just that, like, I don’t know how to explain it. Every time I look at food I feel sick, and I can’t sleep, and it always feels like everyone is against me. It’s like there’s a voice in my head that is always telling me I’m not worth it, that I should just disappear. And the nightmares, I won’t stop having nightmares. It’s always the same thing, and it’s so much." Kenma says quietly. Bokuto stared at him in shock, he knew that something was wrong, he just didn’t know what. </p><p>	“Kenma… why didn’t you tell us sooner?”</p><p>	“I didn’t want y’all to think I was disgusting,” tears start welling up and his voice starts cracking, “I fall asleep in showers, get drugged up on sleeping meds, and starve myself… I didn’t want y’all to see that part of me. I already troubled Kuroo and you enough, I didn’t want to drag y’all into my mess.” Bokuto looked at Kenma, they stared at each other until Kenma just realized what he did. </p><p>	“Hey, Kenma. It’s okay, calm down,” He says as he notices Kenmas breath quicken. “It’s just me, I won’t tell anyone.” Bokuto gets up from the table and goes over to Kenma in an attempt to calm him down. "I won't tell Kuroo if you don't want me to, bro." Kenma nods in response and starts calming down. </p><p>        "I'm sorry, Bokuto." He says, starting to calm down. "I'm just really not feeling good today. Will you please go back home, it's getting dark anyway."</p><p>        "You sure? I can stay the night if you want? I don't mind," But Kenma just waves him out. "Okay man, but I'm here if you need to talk," Kenma nods and he makes his way out. Bokuto was glad that Kenma finally opened up, but he was now even more worried. He promised Kenma not to tell Kuroo, and he didn't want to break his trust, but this was serious and he needed to at least tell Kuroo some of what's going on. He owed him that much. Bokuto pulls his phone out and goes to his contacts. </p><p>                                                                                    Calling, Rooster. </p><p>Kuroo- hey man, wassup? Is Kenma okay?</p><p>Bokuto- No not really... That's why I called</p><p>Kuroo- Wait what happened? Is something wrong? Do I need to come by?</p><p>Bokuto- No no, nothing like physically happened but… he’s not doing too hot</p><p>Kuroo- Did he tell you something?</p><p>Bokuto pauses, wondering if this was a good decision</p><p>Bokuto- Well… Don’t tell him anything about what I said</p><p>Kuroo- ...ok </p><p>Bokuto- He’s, well, it’s just. Kuroo, I think he’s like severely depressed, and I’m pretty sure he has an eating disorder… </p><p>Kuroo- what? How do you know? </p><p>Bokuto- Well I had my suspicions at camp. But when I came in he had pill bottles lying around the floor, and he- he um. He told me he has a really hard time eating. Said he wants to vomit anytime he sees food…</p><p>Kuroo- Shit... Thanks, Bokuto… for telling me. I’ll talk to you later</p><p>Bokuto- Don't say anything about it to him! He almost had a panic attack telling me. I don't think he’s in a good state of mind</p><p>Kuroo- Ok ok I won't. Bye man</p><p>Bokuto- Bye bro</p>
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